Cherry Trail: A Story from Havenburg

Jace replayed the conversation while changing out of his dress attire into his tear-away sweats and Birchdale zip-up. His Nokia cell phone chimed on his dresser.

Brooke J: hey im sry i shouldnt have gotten upset. ill make it up to u when u get back. cum to my room & we can 4get about the fight xxx

Jace turned off his phone and tossed it onto his bed. It bothered him that Brooke assumed they’d pick up right where they left off after a single text. That all she had to do to fix this was fuck him. It solidified in his mind that whatever they’d been doing was done. He continued to sort through his thoughts as he walked in total darkness through the woods and back to the treehouse. The reason that simple text was crawling under his skin and eating away at him was because it was exactly what Libby would’ve done. Jace was walking away at precisely the right time.

Kat sat on the floor in the alcove, wearing a Bad Religion band T-shirt underneath a dark-green flannel, listening to music that Jace had never heard her listen to before. The song was a mix of folk and rock with raw lyrics sung by a woman whose voice held an edge of anger as she sang about not being a pretty girl. It was angsty as fuck, even for Kat.

She had unpinned her updo, her hair a massive wreath of wild curls around her head. In a pile in front of her were a bunch of snacks Michelle sent. Jace dropped his pillow and backpack on the bench, then sat opposite Kat on what was once a vibrantly-colored, geometric patterned area rug, now well-worn and faded with time.

“What did your mom put together this time? I’ve missed her cooking.”

“She made sandwiches the way you like them with all the oil and vinegar. Her monster cookies, but she ruined them by adding raisins because you love them that way, and she packed a variety of salty snacks, but they’re all the ones you like. I don’t know why you get preferential treatment.” Kat gave Jace a semi-annoyed look, accompanied by a smirk as she handed over a wrapped sandwich.

“Isn’t it obvious by now? I’m the favorite. Also, you need to get on board with your mom’s sandwiches. They’re fucking delicious.”

Kat threw a piece of popcorn at his head, but he caught it in his mouth.

“Show off,” Kat scoffed with playful annoyance.

“Bad Religion, huh?” Jace asked around his last bite of sandwich, unable to help himself. It didn’t take a genius to know the shirt wasn’t hers.

“Oh, yeah.” Kat glanced down and shrugged. “It was at the top of my dresser. It’s Kyle’s.”

“I know, Kat.”

“Say what’s on your mind or ask me what you need to ask, Jace,” Kat said in a clipped tone with distinct irritation in her voice.

“I didn’t get the whole story, only that he went to a concert. Are you guys still whatever it is that you consider yourselves?”

“Friends,” she said tightly.

“Kat, I’m your friend. Whatever you have with Kyle, it’s not only friendship. I know you like him. I know it’s more complicated than that.”

“Do you? Is this the part where you give me unsolicited advice, exactly like everyone else? Even though you promised me you wouldn’t!” she snapped.

Rachel had been dead wrong. Kat wasn’t okay, and if Jace hadn’t stayed, he wouldn’t have seen it either. Kat managed to hide this better than she had ever hidden any secret in her life. But Kat didn’t talk to him this way. She was upset, and now Jace had the right to ask. “I’m allowed to ask when you aren’t having fun anymore. Then it becomes my business, remember?”

Kat leapt to her feet, pacing in anger as she spoke. “You’re not even around, Jace. Why do you think you have any right to bring this up? Why does everyone think they know what does or doesn’t make me happy? Can no one trust me to make my own decisions? Do you all think I’m so fragile that I can’t handle anything myself? Kyle hasn’t done anything wrong. I don’t know why I need to keep defending myself to the people who’re supposed to be my friends.” Her voice was shrill, shouting at Jace in a way she never had before.

“Kat—”

“What did Rach tell you, Jace? I know she told you her version. What bullshit did Rach feed you to get you to come tonight? Is that the favor she called in? For you to jump in and save me? I don’t need you to save me, Jace. I don’t need any favors. I don’t need your ‘pity date,’” she sneered with hostility.

“KATHRYN, stop!”

Kat went silent, momentarily caught off guard when Jace raised his voice. He grabbed her hand to pull Kat hastily into his lap before she could recover and yell at him again.

He surrounded her with his arms and rested his chin on top of her head. “Just stop, Kat.”

She broke down in his embrace and wrapped her arms around Jace’s neck, burying her face into his shoulder. She sobbed against his chest, shuttering from her core. Deep vibrations that wracked through her body and into his. He held Kat tighter. He forgot how small she was, and despite what she thought, she was fragile. Not typically, but right now, she was.

“Kat, I didn’t come tonight because Rachel asked me to talk to you. I came because I genuinely wanted you to have fun at the dance. I came because I wanted to. I don’t plan to talk to you about how Kyle is hurting you. We’re going to talk about how you’re hurting yourself.” Jace said, keeping his voice soft and measured. He didn’t want to set her off again.

Kat’s tears slowed. She shook her head in acquiescence and loosened her hold on his neck. He leaned forward, bringing their foreheads together. Her hair surrounded them like an herbal-scented curtain. A string of memories passed through his mind as the smell of her shampoo tickled his senses. It took him back to the day she fell off her bike. Jace started watching out for Kat that day and never stopped. He needed to make her see reason now.

She took a deep breath and pulled free from Jace’s arms, moving away until her back was pressed against the wooden bench below the picture window. The moonlight cast a halo of pale light around her head. Kat drew her knees up and tugged the sleeves of her flannel over her hands to the middle of her fingers. Her leg shook as she picked at the threads around the hole in the knee of her thrifted, straight-leg jeans. Jace scooted next to her and placed his hand over hers to steady her.

“Are you ready to talk to me?” Jace asked gently.

“Why do you have to be right? Why can you see what I hid from everyone else? What I’ve tried to hide from myself.” Kat lifted her eyes to meet his. There was no light. The golden spark of life extinguished, leaving only shattered fragments of green glass. It couldn’t have hurt more than someone punching a hole through his chest and crushing his heart in their hand. He never wanted to see her this broken and confused. Hopeless. He needed to see her smile, to bring that spark back to her eyes. And there was only one thing he could think to do.

Jace tilted his head, he pointed his index and middle finger at his temple with a slight twist of the wrist. “Unagi.” The corner of his mouth twitched with a tentative smile.

Kat stared at him unblinking. Then she lifted her hand and mimicked the gesture. “Ah, salmon skin roll.” A flicker of warm amber touched her eyes when the smirk met her lips.

Jace’s smile spread. He placed his arm around her with a light squeeze and sighed. “Kat, this isn’t a matter of someone being right or wrong. I’m not here to lecture you. But for you to yell at me that way and cry that hard…I know you’re not okay. What’s going on? Be honest with me.”

Kat laid her head against his shoulder and drew in a deep breath, releasing it slowly before she spoke. “I like Kyle. I enjoy the time I spend with him. He thinks on a deep level like I do. He’s intellectual, humorous, and we have fun together. It’s nice to have someone to talk to that I share common interests with. You’re gone. Rach spends a good chunk of her time with…well, that’s a whole different story. Sam’s dating the guy she was with tonight. Is it so wrong to want to have someone that I connect with?”

“Kat, you know that isn’t the problem here. You don’t have to hide this from me. Why won’t you date him? If he’s this great guy, your words, not mine. But if he’s so great that you guys get along on all these different levels, why don’t you commit? I’m sorry, but Rachel did tell me he hooks up with other people because you turn him down whenever he asks you to be his girlfriend. So why?”

“Come on, J, you know he isn’t a great guy. You all but just said it. I know it too. He’s not good for me. He reminds me of your brother sometimes. If he was the person I needed him to be, he wouldn’t hook up with other girls because I won’t commit. He’d be with me regardless of the title. I like being around him but don’t want to be with him, so I can’t get mad when he does his own thing too. I’m playing as much of a game as he is,” Kat tried to explain.

“Why stay? If you know all this? Why can’t you walk away? Is it…” Jace took a bracing breath. Not sure he was ready to hear it, but he had to ask to understand. “Is it physical? Can you not walk away from that? How it was for me with Libby?” Kat was silent for a minute. Then another. Jace started to wish he hadn’t asked.

“No…it’s not physical. I’m still a virgin if that’s what you’re asking. I’ve only kissed him. I’ve only ever kissed anyone. That…that’s why I won’t date him, because I don’t want to feel like I have to do more.”

“Is he pressuring you?” Jace practically growled, the words flying out of his mouth harsher than intended. He couldn’t help it, though. He’d always be overprotective of her.

Kat laid a soothing hand on his thigh. “No, Jace, not at all. I told him from the start I wouldn’t go there. It’s all me. I guess I feel that if I’m dating someone, then I will feel like I should go further, but I know I’m not ready. It all kind of terrifies me.”

“Why’s that? What about it scares you? I know the first time can hurt for girls—”

“Jace, stop, eww. No, it’s not that,” she chuckled lightly. “Don’t go all birds and the bees on me. My mom gave me a very elaborate and detailed sex talk. Then, she discussed the importance of a healthy physical relationship with your significant other. Trust me, I don’t need another.”

“We’ll get back to that. I have so many questions. But if it isn’t that, then what is it?”

“As awkward as that talk with my mother was and gave me way too much insight into my parent’s sex life, it was imperative we had it. I think people view sex way too casually. Going into it only thinking about the instant gratification.”

“It’s only instant if they aren’t doing it right.”

Kat elbowed him, but Jace just wanted to see her smile again.

“I’m trying to be serious here.” She threw him an annoyed smirk.

“So am I. You don’t want a one-pump chump—” She narrowed her eyes. Jace put his hand up in concession. “Okay, sorry, I really do want to know.”

“No matter what anyone thinks, it isn’t purely physical. It’ll leave some type of imprint on you. A part of you will always be with someone else. The feelings, the emotions, the connection. I don’t want that with just anyone. I don’t want it with the wrong person. I can’t speak for everyone, but I know how I feel.”

“Kat, that’s extremely insightful. I wish I thought like this when I was your age.”

 “That’s the other part of it. I see how it affects people. Brianna sleeps around. She acts like it doesn’t bother her, but it does. She’s so confused about a real connection that I don’t think she would know one if it walked up and slapped her in the face. I also saw how it affected you. You were lost for a while, J.”

“Honestly, Kat, I’m still lost,” Jace confided, and a weight lifted from his shoulders he hadn’t quite realized was there.

“What about Brooke? You guys have been together for what? Like, a year now, right?”

“We aren’t together. We’ve never been together, except in that way. The way that you’ve wisely chosen to avoid.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Her troubled expression said all it needed to.

“I didn’t tell you because of the look you’re giving me now. I knew you’d be concerned. Libby used sex as leverage over me. She took it away and only gave it back when she got what she wanted. Now, I’m in a no-strings-attached, purely sexual relationship because I’m still not in a place to be emotionally available for someone. I was supposed to work on myself, but I got lonely. Brooke happened to propose an arrangement I was capable of. I didn’t have to face my demons if I wasn’t looking for more than sex,” he confessed what he hadn’t wanted to admit to her before. Kat slipped her fingers from out of the cuff of her sleeve and took his hand in hers, reassuring him that he wasn’t alone in this.

“Look, Kat, you’re the one who taught me it’s always best to be true to yourself. I get why you don’t want to and when you’re ready, then you’re ready. There’s no need to rush. Seriously, I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks, J. Besides, who needs to have sex when you can read about it in books.” Kat started to smile then, her genuine smile. Jace had to smirk.

“Reading about chimney sweeps and the Vicar, are we?”

Kat started to giggle and hugged Jace to her side. She was going to be fine. She wasn’t trying to deny to herself that everything was okay anymore. Whatever she decided to do from here, he’d be supportive. He just hoped the path forward didn’t have Kyle in it.